timidly controversial

I finally decided to creat a journal with the same name as the rest of my user names. meaning it feels a bit more relevant than this ANCIENT darkangel screen name.
So I'm transfering everything to beyond__vision
That means you should all add me to your friends lists so I can read your posts under that screen name.

I am so glad I went to the speakers beauro today
I wish I could have stayed all day tho.

It was at a conference about incarcerated youth.
So gateways was there (we were part of their presentation) and people I knew from the program were there.
It made me miss being a part of gateways SOOO bad.


and then a brilliant idea occured to me (and others). working with stonewall and queer youth. what if we worked off gateways to create a space to talk about and learn about queer issues at the institutions. AND AND what if I did that as a contract for fall quarter instead of a program, that way my 'class' will be perfectly aligned with the stonewall position.

The more I think about it the more excited I get. eeee!

well just have to wait and see if we can pull this all together for fall.


I also wound up sharing the most ive ever shared at a speakers beauro, which was surprising and great. Also because terrance was there, whose become kind of this model gateways figure. everyones just like ahhh TERRANCE *bows bows*. ha.

So remembering that Cassie will be in california during SF pride, I decided to search and see what all they had going on.

They have 19 different stages, and the list of groups in the parade was 3 and 1/2 pages long. Just the size of it is impressive. Plus the diversity of events and organizations represented.

I need to make it down there for pride one year. not just because everyone says i "should" but because I think it would be magnificent in that overwhelming I never want to do this again way. :o) ha.

Im really begining to dislike that grantwriting teacher I had. gah. Went to turn in evals and pick up my edited grant that he said hed have waiting for students. there were no reviewed grants.

Ive just been unusually angry and bitter since coming back to oly.

The upstairs child has been making a MESS on our porch, Nicks been frolicking around with his new boy, and then somehow neglected to give me a formal good bye and hug before leaving to INDIA today! Also realizing that this fourth i might be alone or nearly alone. Blown off by the triple point kid. AH and im begining to see how unorganized and scattered Stonewall is. Its been 2 and 1/2 weeks since my speakers beauro checks got in but they always seem to not call me back or forget to bring them when I actually see them.

I should stop complaining. But its all I can think of to say.

OMI GOD!!

Its like the movie FROGS outside my apartment. There is this gaint toad thuding against the wall and the door trying to get in! ahhh run for you life.

coming home and turning on a movie that I slept halfway through, is one of the BEST cures for feeling sick.

once I got to class my inerds were doing acrobatics ALL DAY, until I finally got home and lied down.

so my new hair color is divine!

I just got all dressed up for dinner and the eels tonight. I very much look like Lady Heather goth dominatrix woman.
Plus im wearing this new shirt (black) with exagerated colar and sleeves.
oh fashion. <3



oh side note--I got another weird email from Babacar. he wants to pay me out of his own salary for me to come and talk to his class this summer. it just feels very strange. meh.

wow. Major adrenaline rush this week, never thought I'd go through that.

I was at the coast monday- wednesday. Huge tsunami scare tuesday night, sirens were blaring told to leave town. No one told us what exactly to do, just to leave Seaside. So we headed back to ptown (without any of our luggage), until we found out the warning had been dropped. Got back to our hotel, and had some wine. damn. it was kind of surreal, I didnt really think it was happening.

but we survived with no tsunami, and am back in the couve.


Ive been starting to feel like I want to go home...to olympia. thats not happening.


Im going to go get my hair done in a little bit. god im getting sick of the color it is now. Im rambling. I just want to go home. Im supposed to call my dad and set up plans for saturday but I dont really want to. damn obligations.

ah but I got some wonderfully femme items this week. A lacey fushia dress and strapy black heals! Ive been dieing for some heals lately and they're not frighteningly tall either.

oh random thing, I dont know what was going on in my mind last night, but I wound up taking the fitted sheet off of the futon in my sleep. ???

one last thing that im excited for. I found out our family friends dean and sylvia got us tickets to see the eels tonight. and deans son is playing in the band right now and has been traveling around the world with the eels. woa! it should be fun, even if im going with a bunch of old coots.

time to start the day.

Those folks are quickly becoming some of my favorite people.

we had beers, talked about art....and the oh so cheezy thing that seems to happen when I get together with queers for the first time...coming out stories.
Then Pricilla

Which I can now use as collateral to get Kelly to come hang out with me again, since she left it here(and hasnt seen Secretary, I always like to be peoples first with that one).



ah, and I tried to turn on the TV after they left, and my cable has now been shut off. Fuck. right when all I want to do is lay on the couch and watch TV. I almost want to cop out on Graduation, just to lay around some.

I was really hoping someone would want to come down to the Burlesque show/carnival with vegan treats with me. But I havent heard back from anyone. It will be fun alone but it'd just be MORE fun with someone.

Fuck!

I woke up to bleeding and aching cramps. And on the morning we're supposed to be leaving to go camping.
oo it hurts.

awww!

I was sitting outside and a baby Opposum came out of the ivy walked along the edge and went back in. It was absolutely ADORABLE.

Plus I just happen to be wearing my Rilo Kiley sweatshirt with a picture of a baby Opposum.



My lazy day is going well. :o)

Its been a fabulous weekend.

Im glad we were able to entice nic out of his apartment, and that i was so easily convinced to drive down and get him.

Much drunken late night fun, followed by lots of mellow time

It always seems that after i get a reminder of what it was like to spend time with someone ive missed, its harder to go on and not see them.

Anyway, it was still worth it.


I wound up spending the night with my mom, I was just not up for driving back last night.
its soo sweet to me how much my mom loves nic. she was SO excited for the hug he gave her. And then we wound up spending most of our late lunch talking about trans issues. and sometimes shed ask ignorant/silly questions but it was always in a caring way.


eeehh. but i had i dream that Jason called me, and tried to give me a lame apology.
BARF.



I think im going to put pj's on, clean and then watch tv. Ive been wearing this same skirt, shirt and bra for over 24 hours. yuck.

I love beautifying myself <3

my eyes are pretty. just makes you want to do some soul gazing doesnt it? well except that you cant see me!



oh end of the quarter spaceyness.

I cant believe my eval is suposed to be only 20 MINUTES! gah. its just not enough time.


I wish risha would call me back, to tell me if my *briliant* plan will work. bwahahaa



im such an ass! I cant find one of the books George lent me. its not even his either its his partners GAH!!

after a week and a half of my computer being an ass and taking forever to load every page and sometimes not at all. It magically works this morning.

woa, you mean i can actually SEE all those pictures people have been posting AND check my email.... too much for me to handle.

been up for an hour, and already finished my self-eval. how much do i rock! Now ive just got faculty eval, which will be easy because frances totally rocks my world!

im awake with coffee. and filled with anticipation since i still dont know whats happening tonight.



oh! and I got a message from my mom yesterday, she said the sleater-kinney show was last night. I guess ill be calling her today to see how it went. hee hee.


i need a new icon.

something weird is going on in my throat.

I think my tonsel is swollen, I can feel it when I normally dont.


Oh i think I might have realized a key reason why im not getting motivated. I ran out of coffee grounds and havent had any yet, and yesterday I didnt go out to get coffee until 1pm.
sigh.

Plus grantwriting sucks and ive got 6 hours to finish it. damn this class all to hell. gah.


can I go back to bed?

wow.

so all the events of the beginning of this week are healing my little heart from the weekend trauma.
Today was the most amazing day of class EVA. Everyones presentation went sooo well, and some really opened up and took things to a deep personal level. In a way it was a lovely way to end the quarter, but it also made me not want to leave that group of people. Luckily all the queers in the class are organizing a Wizard of Oz film night with our faculty to initiate Francis into the gay undertones of the film. <3 I bet that nights going to be a riot. Im becoming more drawn to the woman, just as a person I respect and enjoy spending time with.

Im worried and crossing my fingers in hope that the friday night plans work out. Got a sudden panic call from Rish, thinking she might not get her pay check in time to drive up... Im just going to cross my fingers and hope that she gets it and wait until i get a call tomorrow night.


I feel so joyous and appreciative of the people in my life


I recieved lots of props for knowing my boundaries and not basing my identity on how sexually attractive people find me. I shared by weekend with group, and got support and cheers for my choices.

Im a goofy gal, who needs to get to bed so i can do MAD work on my grant tomorrow.

I thought about adding more complaints about the Femme Conference.

But I dont think I'm going to. Im just really disappointed. I wish it was possible to create a space for our community to come together in an open and honest way, where we can value people of every gender, race, and class background without ripping at each others throats.
Thats just my idealistic nature coming through. :o)

Im in a better mood today. Last night I got to spend some great time with the snuggle girls, and then I slept until 10!


eh. portfolio compilation today. as ive been saying a lot lately im ready to veg. My aunt doesnt think i know how to do that. ha. I do keep packing my life huh?
Considering im going out again tonight, so that means i must be diligent about my work.

weirdest thing about this interview.

The woman, I SWEAR I've met her before she looked sooo familiar. And when she told me she was an evergreen student getting her masters in teaching, I somehow knew that already. I still cant place her.

Anyway. She seemed awfully impressed with me and what ive done...shucks.
there were a lot of questions about leadership, communication and conflict. which I should have expected and practiced for. I kept having to rack my mind to think of examples. But i still got accepted into AmeriCorp, now we'll just have to see if Stonewall wants me. I was joking with my mom about how of *course* ill get it, one white guy tried to appropriate "two-spirit" identity, and well all the youth like me more than the intern. :o) ha.
at least that one girl does ;o) bad heather bad!

Today wound up ending well.

Got to chat with some of the people I love dearly. Got over my emotional upset about last night.

Though im getting annoyed, because my necks getting more tender a feels a little swollen. Id be ok with all of that if it was from a night I felt good about but eh...oh well.


Anyway. Speakers Bureau was just what I needed. Good affirmations for my story and of where ive been and where im at now. Felt like I got some good bonding in with the two people I drove up to tacoma with. When we got back in town we went out for pizza.
ooo! and I wound up with a $15 gift card for starbucks oh yea, free coffee during my days in seattle. Should cover the three mornings woowoo.

today just ended well. PLUS I just painted my toenails. hee hee. and im SO excited to try out this purple eyeliner I got.


I should get to bed, so I feel fresh when I head off to my interview tomorrow. Wish me luck.

well friends.

the presentation is over.


wound up going about 30 minutes longer than planned, because of drama in the class. Which the man I talked about before really ticked me off today. showed a total lack of respect for me, first off he didnt show up until midway through the film (missing ALL of the actual information in my lecture). then in discussion times he proceeded to get angry about how this was just "someones" special interest. it just made me un happy.

But beyond that it went REALLY well, and everyone else said 'good job' to me. I was pleased.

ah and i realized my fruitless thoughts of the woman. found out shes got a serious girlfriend. plus she mentioned a crush on a girl half her age (my ears perked up) who was punky and on the basketball team... shrug oh well.

I did invite some of the other lezzies from class for drinks tonight. hopefully they show up. otherwise itll just be me and nick or just me. debating about cleaning for the few people who may come...eh.